Today is November 1, 2012, and before this month is done, the Poe household will have grown from two people to three. After months of preparation and anticipation, we have finally arrived to the point where we are no longer counting the months or weeks but the days until we get to count the fingers and toes and cuddle, kiss, and hug our tiny miracle. Excitement is running high, even if our calm, sedate selves don’t show it publicly as much.
I have to admit, however, that despite the excitement, I find myself beset by a lot of anxiety, too. We are ready. With the exception of two small things, which will be finished by the end of the week, the nursery is done. We have bottles, clothes, blankets, diapers, wipes, baby toys and gear. The car seat is locked in place in the car. The diaper bag is packed. We have everything except the baby at this point. But there is still that: getting the baby here.
I’m not so much afraid of labor and delivery, as I am afraid of things going way off what I’m hoping for and ending in an inducement or a C-section. Personally, I don’t want either one. I’ve never liked the idea of inducing labor, and after having put a lot of thought into it, I don’t want major surgery either. The thought of being cut open, stapled back together, and staying in the hospital for a few days does not appeal to me at all. As I told My Honey, I don’t want to be in the hospital that long, and they [the doctors and nurses] don’t want me there that long either. And then inducing labor, throwing my body into something so major that it’s not quite prepared for doesn’t sound like my cup of tea either. I don’t even like surprise birthday parties being thrown for me. I like me and my body to be prepared for things.
I worry about these things because there seems to be the idea that this dear baby is a big, dear baby, and doctors tend to not like mamas giving birth to big babies. Not to mention, my due date is less than a week before Thanksgiving, and who wants to miss out on that annual feast? I go for an ultrasound soon, and I fear that it may be decided that my little boy isn’t so little and needs to brought into the world more by force than by God’s precise timing. As much as I would like for the baby to be born sooner rather than later, I don’t want to force things. I fear what could go wrong, and maybe I’m just a bit selfish wanting things to go my way. Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t really know. It’s just what’s on my mind here lately.
Of course, I have all the other worries, too, about after the birth. I worry I won’t be a good mama, that I will somehow warp my child to the point of him searching out a therapist when he’s grown. I see other women and all that they manage to accomplish, even with multiple children, and I think, “Wow! I hope I do half as good of a job as they are doing.” I guess we all feel the pressure to match our peers in ability and accomplishment. It’s not what we should be focused on, though. God has granted us all different talents and has put all in different places with different circumstances. He has asked different things of each person and given us different resources to accomplish our given tasks.
I know this has been a rambling post, but I suppose it has helped. In the end this is the truth: God is in control of everything. He created this child in my womb; He has made certain this child has continued to grow and thrive throughout the past months. He will not suddenly quit over-seeing things when the baby is born. In fact, He will be in more control of that than anyone else, just like He has been this whole time. He has made me the mother of this little boy, and He has done all of this for a reason that I may or may not ever understand. The point is, I have to just trust Him and lean on Him. He’s been over-seeing the birth of human babies ever since Eve had Cain several thousand years ago. He knows what He’s doing. I just need to quit thinking so much of how I want things to happen and worrying about measuring up to other mothers out there and trust God because He’s got this, this whole thing.
- For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. -Ps. 139:13
- Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? -Matt. 6:27
- Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them…When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?” Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” -John 21:20-22
- For I am the LORD, you God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. -Is. 41:13